"You Remind Me of a Caged Bird"
I think we can all agree that when we were first introduced to Toshiki Kai, we were almost constantly glaring at him (even if we did have an appreciation for the appearance of what we were staring at). Your immediate response to him is most likely, at best, a reflection of how he would probably treat you - cold and disdainful indifference. At worst, a Kamui-esque explosive confrontation. Especially compared to Aichi's usual unconditional acceptance, Kai is far from being warm. Even I, a very hearty Kai fan from early in season 1, was wary and wearied by his rude distance.
But then we learned about his past. We were presented with a list of all the things no human being should have to endure, and all of them directed at a little boy with a tendency for self-deprecation. I will fully admit now that I bawled myself silly in that episode. All this time, Kai had been tearing into himself in anger and frustration and hate, and all everyone else was doing is giving their own dose of the same. No wonder he keeps most people at arm's length; he's only protecting himself.
Both the episode of Kai's past and my own (very recent) experience of depression have helped me understand him on a more personal level. My overactive imagination means that not only do I find it easy to connect with characters, but they become my imaginary friends, living out my life alongside me, and giving and receiving commentary just like any friendship group would do. My earliest heartfelt "interactions" with Kai included me throwing myself at his feet and soaking his school shirt with my tears as I wail out my apologies and sympathies and that I think he's the strongest person I've ever met.
But if there is anyone who is still confused about why he is as he is, let me try to explain, using examples from the own life, too.
By his own admission, he was very close to his parents - "Losing them didn't just hurt; it shattered my entire life to pieces." When two people who had been so supportive of him before were gone, he was alone, made even worse by the fact that he moved away. I've no doubt that his uncle and whatever family he had there did their absolute best to support him, but when you're in a dark place, you need familiarity and closeness and people who would just be there for you (like Miwa). When Tetsu and Ren came along, that was what was offered, and eventually received, which was wonderful. But did you notice that Ren and Tetsu were the ones to approach him? I can almost guarantee you that if they hadn't taken initiative, Kai would have remained alone. When you feel alone and feel like that's all you'll ever achieve again, you will just lie on the floor, taking naps to avoid the world. Even when you intellectually know that company is probably the best thing for you at that moment, it can be nearly impossible - and sometimes completely impossible - to motivate yourself to look for it.
But he got friends. And he got happier. And then he lost them again. When Kai first witnessed Ren losing himself to Psyqualia, he immediately became wary of him. However, even when Psy-Ren threatened him, that didn't stop him from trying to reach out to his friend. He fought him to try and save him, and immediately reached out to him when he fell. He saved Aichi when he was walking down the same path. His morals wouldn't be moved. Some of you may argue that that isn't true, as demonstrated when he accepted the Reverse of his own volition. But this about his situation; everything in his identity up to that point had been destabilised, and one thing remained: that he was a legendary fighter. Seeing Ren and Aichi in front of him at a similar/higher level than him was destabilising that, too. So Takuto played on that insecurity. When Aichi saved him, it was through convincing him that he wasn't deplorable, that the others didn't hate him but were worried about him. Having people so close to you and so relentless, especially as unconditionally accepting as Aichi and Miwa, can help to pull you out of a pit.
Let me leave you with an image which was true of me in my dark moments and is often true of other people who suffer from depression-like conditions. Kai is a hedgehog. A cute and adorable, harmless little creature. But any sign of danger, and he curls up into an impenetrable ball of spikes. His parents' deaths threatened him because he was alone, so he shut himself off from everyone. Then he slowly began to uncurl under the encouragement of Tetsu and Ren. Then, when Psy-Ren threatened him again, he curled up again. Too many arrows have pierced his soft belly that he's given up on ever uncurling. So he remains a ball of spikes, painful to anyone who approaches him indelicately. But approach him/them unafraid and lovingly, and they uncurl into something beautiful.
So, when Jun compared him to a caged bird, this analogy was wrong...unless Kai himself was holding the key. Aichi, Miwa, Ren, everyone, had walked up to the bars of the cage, and talked to him and smiled at him until he moved closer to them. Eventually he trusted them with the key, and let them let him out into their welcoming arms.
No comments:
Post a Comment